Last month I shared with you my review of “We Bleed Orange & Black,”a collection of 31 fun-sized Halloween tales from author Jeff C. Carter. The book comes out today and Jeff was kind enough to let me share with you, my All Hallows Geek readers, one of my favorite stories from the book.
The story is called “Haunted House – 1 Star” and I loved it not only for the story, but for the creative way in which Jeff wrote it. I hope you enjoy this tale as much as I did and be sure to pick up “We Bleed Orange & Black” on Amazon so you can read all 31 Halloween tales from Jeff’s new book!
My friend and I finally decided to visit the haunted yards and homemade mazes in Heatherwood Hollow. We got there early like we were supposed to, but the lines were crazy! I recommend they start charging $$$ to cut down those wait times. I always buy the VIP fast pass because I hate waiting!
We left the main strip and saw another creepy house around the corner with no wait. I was honestly over it, but my friend Jenni wanted to check it out. I wish we had stayed home!
I will be fair and start with the positives. No wait time – love it. The front door was wide open and we walked right in.
Decorations – It was a cute two-story house with a nice lawn. They had a few pumpkins on the porch and some fake spider webs in the bushes. I assumed it would be just as ‘family friendly’ inside. I was wrong.
There was nobody there to greet us (this will be a trend for the night). We didn’t know where to start, but we heard voices in the living room. It was just a TV, and it wasn’t even tuned to a scary movie or fake news report about zombies or anything. A rerun of ‘Friends’ came on, the one where they all take too long to get ready. They should have at least put on one of the Halloween episodes.
We waited forever for someone to show up or try to scare us. Jenni looked through the family photos and book shelves for clues, like it was an escape room, but I reminded her that this was someone’s actual home.
Then we heard a weird noise outside.
We grabbed each other and walked towards it. We didn’t know that the haunted attraction started in the backyard (Seriously, a host or even some signs would have been helpful here).
The backyard was filled with shimmering red light. It took us a second to figure out that it was coming from the swimming pool. A dead body floated face down, clouding the water with blood. It was a simple effect, but the body looked real and it set a totally creepy mood. We realized then that this event was NOT family friendly, but that was fine as long as no one jumped out and chased us with chainsaws.
We didn’t see anything else interesting back there, so we went inside through another door. We immediately stepped in a puddle of fake blood (if my shoes get stained they can expect a cleaning bill. Also, we could have slipped and fallen. They should at least put up a ‘wet floor’ sign.)
We followed a set of bloody footprints up the stairs. I felt so bad about tracking blood up their nice white carpet, but they didn’t really give us a choice.
At this point, the quiet empty house was really starting to freak us out. I’ve never been to one of these artsy ‘interactive’ things before and I thought they did a good job with it, even if they were understaffed.
We went into the master bedroom and found another body on the bed with a pillow over its face. The pillow was pinned there with a kitchen knife. I thought this was super gross, but Jenni pointed out that whatever was underneath the pillow must be worse. It was another example of the low key horror vibe (I’d almost say ‘tasteful’).
We went back down the hall and found the kids’ rooms. The decorations were pink and there were like a dozen unicorn posters. It was way over the top, and a clue that the designers couldn’t maintain the subdued creepy atmosphere. Jenni hates spooky children singing nursery rhymes and stuff like that, so she hid behind me and forced me to go in first.
This was another red light area – the lamps and windows were all smeared red. I guess they chose the kitschy Salvation Army junk because they wanted to smother everything in fake blood. The beds, mirrors, floor, toys, everything. We were afraid to go in too far because we didn’t want to ruin our clothes.
Jenni pointed out the body parts on the floor. It was tacky, but at least they were clearly adult-sized pieces (violence to children is not cool!) Still, it was really excessive. There were too many chunks and bodies for a home with just one family.
We were about to bail when we heard someone crying. We had finally caught up to the actors! Jenni and I snuck over to check out the scene.
The sound was coming from a half-open door in the hallway. I think it was the master bathroom. We peeked in and saw some guy in a mask sobbing in front of the sink. He was writing something on the mirror in fake blood. His costume was lame, just jeans and a flannel with goggles and a painter’s mask, but I’ve got to give credit to the actor. He was really laying it on thick, shaking and weeping. His goggles were fogged up too, so he didn’t see us.
Jenni pulled me away and we both tip-toed down the stairs. It would have been nice to interact with the guy in the mask (since he was the only actor) but getting out without being spotted was fun. I don’t know if that was supposed to be the point, but overall it was somewhat disappointing. All suspense with no pay off. A haunted house is supposed to be scary!
We made it all the way to our car when I realized that I had lost my phone, so we turned around and headed back in.
It was horrible! There was nobody there! We looked everywhere for a ‘lost and found’ box. I even tried shouting for a manager. I know this is an amateur business, but it is still a business. Was everyone on break at the same time? Terrible customer service!
I went upstairs to find the creep in the mask. He wasn’t there either. We gave up and left. Jenni dropped me off at my place and sent a text to my phone with my address and contact info. I was (and am!) still mad, so I hopped on my computer to leave this review and officially ask them to return my phone. They have no website or contact info. Totally unprofessional.
1 Star!
Edit: I see that guy in the mask heading up my driveway with my phone. I’m glad they’re making an effort, but you can’t fix a bad first impression. I hope they don’t expect me to change my review!
